I have mentioned a fair bit that in January something rather dramatic happened as my mental health hit rock bottom. Well, after that day, I had appointments, either at home, by phone or out in other people's offices such as GP, OT etc. The exhaustion, physically and mentally, was starting to become more harmful than helpful and I was on the brink of quitting on the whole process of starting to heal.
Then one day, it was about mid February, just as things were getting exhausting. I was on my daily "run" and if you've been to my place, you'll know I have a heap of gum trees right outside. I stopped and felt reminded of Matthew 6 where God tells us that if he can take care of the trees and the birds of the air, then he can certainly take care of us. Then he told me to simply have patience in the process. Those four words have kept me going ever since. Whenever I'm thinking of losing hope or getting too tired, I am reminded to have patience in the process. In the beginning of this, my GP told me that recovery from this will take a long time, but I can and will make 100% recovery.
One thing I want to make sure people get out of this blog is that I no longer believe that nobody cares for me. I know there are some people who do care. It's just that sometimes in life, the voices of those who don't care can become so loud that it drowns out the voices of the people who do care. What I am saying right here is that people who care need to speak louder. Speak louder than the negative, nasty people.
Over the last couple of weeks, I've been to a couple of AFL games. Sure, my anxiety was triggered a couple of times and I must admit I nearly went home early (nothing to do with the score). But I stayed, faced my fear of big crowds and getting bumped in the head and got through it okay, both times. It was scary at first, but I enjoyed seeing familiar faces again, such as bumping into an old basketball team mate and a high school teacher.
I turn 30 next week and I don't want to be a 30 year old who is too scared to deal with his fears. Another big fear came up for me this week as I realised something that has been holding me back for about 20 years. I won't go into it here, but to say now I recognize it for what it is and am dealing with it. I have got to that place where the pain of having something bother me is more painful than the pain and fear of doing what it takes to receive healing from the pain, if that makes sense.
So in closing, going back to the title, patience in the process. Recovery is a long process and I'm starting to think more clearly, realize that going outside isn't so scary and that dealing with emotions is hard, but very necessary if we want to be able to achieve my dreams. I still have dreams. Big ones. I will achieve them - whatever it takes. One day, one hour, one minute, at a time.
Giving up is not an option,