I’m Not Okay,
I Promise
Hi, my name is Perry Cunningham and I am not okay. I
guarantee you did not hear anyone say their name followed by I am not okay
today. Well, if you know me well at all, you’ll know I am softer than butter
emotionally. You’ll also know I don’t bother trying to hide or lie about my
emotions. My current psychologist loves this and says it makes it simple to
work with me.
Today, September 9, in Australia, is RUOK day. Like,
seriously? Do we need the Federal Government creating a campaign to tell us to
check in with people on a certain date? Apparently, we do. I find it extremely
insincere and cringeworthy and frankly, I hate this day. As I said in the
opening sentence, I am not okay. But before we even get to that point, we need
a definition of okay. I get told a lot that it is ok to not be ok. What does
that even mean? I’m not sure. To me it sounds genuine enough for people to
state there’s nothing “wrong” with not feeling ok. That much I can agree with.
If you have seen The Green Mile, there’s a scene where
the guy on death row is talking to Tom Hanks and he simply looks him in the eye
and says, “I’m tired boss, but mostly I’m tired of people being ugly to each
other.” That has been me for the last 2 years at least. 2019 for me personally
was hell on earth. I had at least 3 very big traumatic events (2 deaths, one relationship
breakdown) and I still live with one of those events in my head daily. As a
result, I am not okay. I am on 2 different medications, in psychology
fortnightly and my gp whenever I need and finally have a diagnosis of C-PTSD. That
means I live the movie of the trauma in my head daily. I need someone to change
the channel, basically.
All this to say, I am not okay, even in the most basic
definitions. Even the sound of my 1-year-old chihuahua barking freaks me out
these days. Yes, I still get out of bed and I function in autopilot because at
35 years old, I feel like I have no other choice really. Especially due to the
fact I live alone.
I don’t write this for pity or sympathy as I hate both
of those things. I write this to plainly state that I am not okay. Safe but not
okay. And to try and ask us all to re-think RUOK day, at least in Australia. We
should be asking are you ok to our friends and family every day. But especially
be asking this question to those in our lives we know deal with a lot and seem
strong. Because as someone in this box, I guarantee you they’re tired, boss.
