Saturday, 8 August 2020

“Four walls, a wash basin, prison bed” – Cold Chisel

 

“Four walls, a wash basin, prison bed” – Cold Chisel

 

I used to have a friend whom I could relate all my medical struggles with. No subject was off-limits, even though this friend is female, and I am male. One thing we often found together would be hospital admissions. We joked that we were in jail or prison, depending where you are from. The thing is, if you have had a fair amount of time in hospitals and have even a vague understanding of prisons, you should be able to understand the correlation of the two places.

For all the things I have been through medically, I am still a terrible person when injured/sick. That’s my own opinion of myself. The song ‘Restless’ by Switchfoot comes to mind here. I get irritable very easily. My last surgery only on August 22nd comes to mind. I had neurological symptoms for about 2 weeks before I finally called an ambulance around 6pm on the 21st because I felt like I would pass out and potentially not wake. I felt too faint to get anywhere under my own strength, even struggled from bedroom to bathroom, maybe 5 metres. Ambulance arrived and took blood pressure first. It was 155/90, which for a man of my size is very high. Two paramedics looked at each other as if to say, ‘we need to move it quick’. I knew when I saw that I did the right thing in calling an ambulance.

I got to the hospital and we would wait a fair while. But once I was moved around to the ED, things moved rather quick. They got a good handover from the paramedics, for which I am grateful. Immediately checked basic observations, which were obviously inconsistent and concerning. Then within a few minutes, there was blood and urine samples taken and an IV line put into my arm and a bag of iv fluids hung up. Then one of the ED doctors did a basic vision test where the patient is instructed to follow the doctor’s finger, moving only their eyes. I knew I would struggle with this. My vision the last few days was terrible and headache pain score was seriously 12/10. His finger was far left but my eyes went right. When this happened, he said it’s officially a neurology case and he wanted an urgent CT of both the head and abdominal shunt as soon as possible for confirmation. I was simultaneously scared and relieved in the same breath. Relieved because I knew I did the right thing in calling the ambulance and being in the emergency department. Scared because that one symptom proved to me, I would need my 8th shunt revision surgery, and what’s more, in the middle of Covid-19 pandemic. Would I go home? No clue. Seriously. By about 4am he came back to confirm my shunt had problems in multiple spots, from neck down and that I would need surgery today. Me: you mean now? Doctor: no, we will operate during daylight hours, between 8am and 5pm. You’re on IV, 30 min observations and right outside the nursing desk so you’ll be ok. Try get some rest. He came back a few minutes later to tell me it looks like I will be in surgery for hopefully midday. The theatre staff came to get me at around 10am. Most of the preparation was already done, so I was moved down promptly. Only thing I didn’t have was a proper chlorhexidine wash, but that is easily fixed in surgery. I was prepared at the 4am bedside visit for multiple surgical incisions this time, as he had told me there were multiple issues with the shunt this time. I was still awake in the operating theatre, something rare for me. They had music going and it looked like as happy place as it can be, for someone about to undergo life-saving neurosurgery in a pandemic. One person even had a Marvel hair net, seriously. I managed to get to sleep quick this time, most likely because I was already so unwell.

I would wake up in the recovery room and I took note of one thing. I only noticed three people in the room: myself, nurse at my right hand controlling my observations and pain level and a nurse walked past my left, bragging about her chocolate stash. If I can pause here and say one thing to medical professionals, please do not do this to patients straight out of surgery. We are all tired, hungry and sore. Either share the snacks or keep it to yourself, please and thank you.

Later that night I would be moved to the high dependence unit. I was in normal pain levels for this kind of surgery and they didn’t bother offering the bottom level painkillers and went straight to the strong ones, something rare these days. Catering would offer dinner. Me being me, I obviously wanted it, especially because I hadn’t eaten more than a snack in days, literally. Nurse was quick to advise not to eat as I had abdominal surgery just now and eating heavy food quickly post-surgery may cause further issues. I gave her a look as if to say I’m hungry, sore and tired and don’t care about consequences. We met in the middle and agreed on eating the soup. It went down fine.

Next day I was moved to the neurology ward as I started feeling a lot better. This is when I would wake a lot better and notice just what happened in theater. Physios were quick to come in, as always, and wanted me to get out of bed on day one. Thankfully, nursing staff overruled them and said not today. My head felt fine, but abdomen was still very sore and would be for a week or two yet.

It’s this part of surgery recovery I struggle with the most and the reason I relate to the song I quoted for the title here. I wouldn’t go home for another 3 days, despite feeling like my pain levels were ok, nausea gone, keeping food and fluids down. I would genuinely question why I couldn’t go home yet and became irritable and restless mentally. But obviously now that I have had more surgeries than birthdays, when I calm down, I get it. It took until the Friday morning to have the paperwork complete, enough support in place for discharge but more importantly, bowel to open. Without going into graphic detail, this is especially important when one has had abdominal surgery.

The next ten days, I would go home with staples in both my head and abdomen. Like I said above, the head wound didn’t hurt much at all, other than itching because of hair growth and tangling. It was the abdominal wound that would hurt a fair bit. Thankfully they sent me home with good pain relief as well. I would learn the hard way something I have been told for years: literally everything goes through the abdomen, which is why it is called ‘the core’. Sneezing, coughing, laughing and even talking would hurt. Sitting up and transfers from bed to chair would take a lot longer. I do have a cool scar on there now. I would then question my nurse why I couldn’t go home. She very plainly said, “Mr. Cunningham, you’ve literally just had life-saving brain surgery in a pandemic, and you have spina-bifida, just rest.” She didn’t even have to put any exaggeration on it. That’s as blunt as it could be. I think sometimes even I tend to belittle some things I have fought and won, even brain surgery in a pandemic.

So, friends, family and anyone else reading, therefore I would miss the very last western derby and Damo's retirement announcement. I was simply too unwell to keep my eyes open. Some things are bigger than sport, I guess.

Saturday, 16 May 2020

"I'm Back!" - Michael Jordan

“I’m back!” – Michael Jordan

 

With those two words, the greatest male to ever play basketball was back at the highest level for the Chicago Bulls after a hiatus. Some thought he had just retired, full-stop. Some think he quit. Some think he just wanted a new challenge to play baseball and hopefully make the major league, highest level of baseball in USA. On a deeper level, he went away to clear his mind after the sudden death of his father. My point is this: if it’s okay for Michael Jordan after winning his third consecutive NBA championship to state that he is so damned tired holistically he needs to stop the one thing he was dominant in, then it is ok for us to stop for a while as well.

I stopped writing about 4 years ago because of my mental health. Yet I am back writing because of my mental health. Oxymoron? Maybe. Liar? Hell no. I may be a lot of things, but my mother bluntly told me at 14 that I simply cannot lie to her face because I am way too soft emotionally. I do a lot of things in this life. For the last 20 years I have not bothered to even try lying as I am emotionally softer than melted butter. Therefore, genuine sincerity is something I need reciprocated to myself in others.

I have been through some absolute hell these last few years I have been MIA from writing. Some things I will write about; some things I will not. This is for my own self-care. I am going to remind myself whatever I do write about is literally going on the internet, for the whole world, potentially, to read and comment about. Am I comfortable with that? Hell no. Does it scare me? Hell yes. Am I going to do this anyway? Hell yes. I need to come back to this as it is a cathartic thing for me to process and make real the emotion of life. I said to one of my best friends this morning that writing it in black and white will make events real. He quite rightly stated all those things are very real. I have decided to face this mountain, in the words of Jon Foreman.

I was trying to “run”, if you will, from all the things that have haunted me (literally, not even a slight exaggeration) and numb myself to not feel the weight of what I have been dealing with. Whether that is in basketball, books, movies, shows, food, medication, whatever. However, there comes a point where a (hu)man needs to realize they are not invincible, and you can only do that for so long. Being numb to life is not living life well. Therefore, this is just a short one to say I am back writing to assist myself to process my own thoughts and emotions and to hopefully improve my mental health. If you read this, then great. With all due respect, if you do not read it, also great.

 

Giving up is not an option,

 

Perry


Wednesday, 28 December 2016

This year didn’t suck

A lot of people have said that this year has sucked. Well for me, this year for the most part didn’t suck. The first 10 days were very tough, as were the next few months, but the good definitely outweighed the tough this year. I am so grateful for that.

I found myself in an ambulance heading to hospital on the morning of January 10. However, as a direct result of that happening, I have great medical professionals around me who legitimately care about me as a human, not just a medical experiment to pay their bills. My doctor is good enough where he knows what to do with my health, but he isn’t arrogant enough to say he has a total cure. Yet he (as well as my OT, Laurie) has given me enough peace and courage to do what I can to help myself in my own health journey and I am so grateful for that.

This year I have re-connected with a lot of family from my dad’s side, with thanks to social media. It’s great to know most of them still have a place in their life for me, as I do for them. It certainly makes up for the number of people, due to a whole bunch of different reasons, who have drifted from my life in one way or another. Not much at all of that is a personal thing, just life happening at a very fast pace (something I still struggle with, to be fair). I am finally starting to learn that people do come and go in life and that it is very rarely a personal thing against me.

I have learned the power in consistently keeping up with medical appointments and tests. Before this year, I would see them as an inconvenience to me living my life and ignore it until something dramatic happened with my health. However, earlier this year my doctor told me that if I’m not keeping up with said appointments and tests, then I’ll be less healthy and productive when attempting to live my life. I have found this to be very true this year as I’ve attended all appointments for everything and I am now the healthiest I have been since 2006.

Some absolutely amazing and accidental things have happened, such as early May this year. I received an email inviting me to a Brisbane Broncos dinner in Perth. I bought my ticket, even though at the time it would wreck my budget, because these things in life only happen once in a lifetime and sometimes you just need to do fun things. I bought my ticket and had a great night. At the end of that night, I was talking with Broncos CEO Paul White and he would tell me it was a business owners dinner and he said I must have accidentally got the email invite. However, he said if I love the Broncos then I am welcome to stay.

I have achieved a dream of attending a footy game at the MCG and going to Melbourne. Aside from the freezing cold, it was so great. From buying coffee as big as my face and getting change from $5 for it, to accessible paths, beautiful scenery and sport and music everywhere, it’s a great place. I can see why some friends live there now. I will be back some day, but not in the middle of winter next time.

Then in August of this year, I was looking at Twitter one day when I saw a tweet from Perth Wildcats. It was asking for game night volunteers for the current season 2016/17. I updated my resume and applied. My first interview as far as I’m concerned was terrible. However, that following Friday afternoon I would receive an email asking me if I would like an interview with the Wildcats CEO Nick Marvin, on the following Monday afternoon. It went really well and he offered me a voluntary position in the administration staff at Perth Lynx. I now work there once a week and at every Lynx home game. I also attend all Perth Wildcats games. It was a lot more than I originally thought it would be. It has become a reason to fist-pump at life, to get out of bed with enthusiasm again. I am literally at a place now where ball is life. As I said to someone recently, if I’m not in an office for basketball, I’m working at a game, attending a game as a fan or watching a game of NBA or NBL on my laptop. Ball is literally life and I love it.

These are just a few highlights to try and encourage you all that this year did not totally suck. Not for me or for anyone, really. Sometimes we do need to try and look a bit harder to find the goodness. To sum it all up, I have finally got help with my overall health, both physically and mentally and I have learned the truth in the Switchfoot line that says “love alone is worth the fight”. Yes, it’s tough, but it is so worth it, friends. May 2017 be full of joy, peace and love and whatever comes your way, may you be able to say that “hope is the anthem of my soul”, as the Switchfoot song says.

Giving up is not an option,

Perry

Wednesday, 14 September 2016

Fear is a powerful motivator


Today, September 14 2016 is a date that all of you should mark on your calendar. I know I will never forget this date anymore. Earlier today, I was told by my doctor that I have exceeded expectations for a blood test I had last week. He went on to mention that I do not require any more needles or medical appointments for six months. For someone who has needles in their top five fears in life, that is a huge thing to hear. I couldn't help but hug my doctor in that moment. Thankfully he didn't see it as inappropriate and he understood why I did that.

Over this last eight months, I have had a diabetes and anaemia diagnosis (anaemia is no longer an issue), as well as mental issues such as depression, anxiety and PTSD. Just to try and give you an idea, in January and February, I was in medical appointments three times per week. These last eight months have been dedicated to doing whatever I have needed to do in order to get my health back to a place where I'm smiling at life again and physically strong enough to do what I need to do. I am happy to say I am now at that point. Yes, there were definitely a few points along the road where I have thought the process of healing was not worth it because let me tell you, recovery is a hard road, whether it's from physical or mental health issues. When you're dealing with both, it's like standing in the middle of a freeway at peak hour.

I am so grateful beyond words to my GP. For the first time in my life, I have a GP who understands all of my health issues and doesn't belittle them or feel overwhelmed by them, yet knows how to help me deal with them. He showed me where to find hope when I didn't know where to look. He gave me tools to get myself out of the hole I was in at the beginning of the year and through those things and God's grace, I got out. At no point have I gone on medication for my mental health. The only medication I am on is a tablet for diabetes control which is pretty good right now.

As for the diabetes, it's simple really. As I mentioned above, needles are a huge fear for me personally. Therefore I have come to the conclusion this year that fear is a powerful motivator. The day I was diagnosed with diabetes, I literally gave away all chocolate, lollies and soft drinks to other people, who were only too happy to take them away. Now, whenever I go near a confectionery section in a shop, I see needles and back right away. That's what I mean by fear being a powerful motivator. Far too often, people focus on the negative side of fear. However, I have found that fear can definitely have a positive effect on our lives.

While the mental health isn't perfect, it is definitely a lot better than it was. Each day now I'm going outside for fresh air and sun (weather permitting), journalling, reading good jokes or watching something funny on TV or Netflix, taking care of my physical health as much as I can and eating and sleeping properly. Also, each day I write a list of places to be or house jobs that need to be finished that day. That forces me to get up and take on the day, however I may feel physically or mentally.

Anyway, I believe murder-ball in the paralympics is on soon, so I better leave it there. Apologies also for the gap between posts. Life gets crazy busy sometimes.

Giving up is not an option,

Perry





Sunday, 24 April 2016

Patience in the process

24/4/2016

I have mentioned a fair bit that in January something rather dramatic happened as my mental health hit rock bottom. Well, after that day, I had appointments, either at home, by phone or out in other people's offices such as GP, OT etc. The exhaustion, physically and mentally, was starting to become more harmful than helpful and I was on the brink of quitting on the whole process of starting to heal.

Then one day, it was about mid February, just as things were getting exhausting. I was on my daily "run" and if you've been to my place, you'll know I have a heap of gum trees right outside. I stopped and felt reminded of Matthew 6 where God tells us that if he can take care of the trees and the birds of the air, then he can certainly take care of us. Then he told me to simply have patience in the process. Those four words have kept me going ever since. Whenever I'm thinking of losing hope or getting too tired, I am reminded to have patience in the process. In the beginning of this, my GP told me that recovery from this will take a long time, but I can and will make 100% recovery.

One thing I want to make sure people get out of this blog is that I no longer believe that nobody cares for me. I know there are some people who do care. It's just that sometimes in life, the voices of those who don't care can become so loud that it drowns out the voices of the people who do care. What I am saying right here is that people who care need to speak louder. Speak louder than the negative, nasty people.

Over the last couple of weeks, I've been to a couple of AFL games. Sure, my anxiety was triggered a couple of times and I must admit I nearly went home early (nothing to do with the score). But I stayed, faced my fear of big crowds and getting bumped in the head and got through it okay, both times. It was scary at first, but I enjoyed seeing familiar faces again, such as bumping into an old basketball team mate and a high school teacher.

I turn 30 next week and I don't want to be a 30 year old who is too scared to deal with his fears. Another big fear came up for me this week as I realised something that has been holding me back for about 20 years. I won't go into it here, but to say now I recognize it for what it is and am dealing with it. I have got to that place where the pain of having something bother me is more painful than the pain and fear of doing what it takes to receive healing from the pain, if that makes sense.

So in closing, going back to the title, patience in the process. Recovery is a long process and I'm starting to think more clearly, realize that going outside isn't so scary and that dealing with emotions is hard, but very necessary if we want to be able to achieve my dreams. I still have dreams. Big ones. I will achieve them - whatever it takes. One day, one hour, one minute, at a time.

Giving up is not an option,

Perry

Thursday, 24 March 2016

Catch up on life...

25/03/2016

I have been meaning to write something for weeks. However, every time I go to write something, I end up getting busy with trying to adult in this life. Or that voice in my head tells me that nobody cares and nobody will want to read this. Then this morning, I read a great blog from a friend and it was the push I needed to do this. You know who you are (if you're reading this).

Being my first blog for 2016, I feel I need to cover a few things and inform people of a few happenings in my life. First of all, on January 10, I was taken to hospital via ambulance for mental illness. I was discharged the same day, thank God. There is no way I am sleeping or eating in a hospital, unless I absolutely have to do it. Even just the knowledge that I could go home eased the stress in my mind a little bit.

My brain had got so low to a point where I truly believed that nobody out there cared about whether I was breathing or not. To be very fair, I am still not convinced anyone does, other than medical people who are paid to care. I also feel the need to highlight here that it is an illness. That you can't just "be positive" or "just cheer up" or "just pray it away" and it will magically go away. Illness doesn't work like that.

I've always known since I was a kid that I've had depression. I was made to see a psychologist from 8 years old. I was admitted to a children's mental health ward and made to take an anger management class at 10 years old. I was told I'd be in jail, dead or living in an adult mental health hospital if I didn't clean my life up. That stopped me from seeing anyone in psychology for 20 years... until recently. I have had to get over my fear of psychologists to see someone.

There are still a lot of things in my head that need to get sorted out. The biggest thing that I've got over the last two and a half months since that day in hospital is that I have a little bit of hope. A realistic hope that says that while tomorrow will not be all kinds of amazing, it will be okay and I have the strength and resources to deal with whatever it may bring.

I am trying to remember to take life one day, even one hour, at a time. That is all my brain and body can really handle and to be fair, I have never really been one that's good at planning ahead anyway. I am back studying my youth work degree at university, which is becoming a good mental distraction for everything. As well as university, I have help with cleaning and cooking at home and I am seeing my GP and psych both once a fortnight. All that keeps me very busy. Busy to the point where I said to my doctor that for the first time in my life, I may need to buy a thing called a diary.

My doctor has also done an overall physical health check and it's been discovered that I have diabetes and severe anaemia (pretty sure I spelled that wrong). The anaemia is so bad that I am waiting on admission into hospital to go on a drip. The diabetes is okay, just about figuring out a new diet that works for my body. That's not that simple, but I'm over the sugar withdrawal symptoms and I already do feel better just for cutting out sugar from my diet, even if it was forced upon me. I'm just not sleeping very well because some days, I feel so awake that I can "run" a marathon and other days I feel like I can't get out of bed. Some balance in my energy levels would be great! One more thing about my health and doctors is that finally, for the first time in my adult life (since 2003), I am finally in a place where I have medical people around me who not only know what they are doing in their area of expertise, but they genuinely care about me as a person, not just a job. If it took an ambulance taking me to hospital on January 10 to get to a place where I have good medical people, so be it.

Anyway, I think that is more than enough for the first blog back for the year. I hope to get back to consistently writing soon.

Giving up is not an option,

Perry

Saturday, 19 December 2015

Bullying


19/12/2015

The last few weeks, like a lot of the time, to be honest, has not been a fun time in my head. I have had numerous nightmares about various bullies I encountered during the majority of my school years. I saw one of them in public a couple of years ago (we were on the same bus) and I could not get off that bus quick enough. 

I am writing a relatively quick post here to remind everyone to not be a bully, especially at this time of year when we should be working especially hard to share love, peace and joy, regardless of your religious belief. 

There is no other way around it, except to say that bullying sucks and it hurts. Depending on our personality and other factors, we may be able to defend ourselves, just brush it off, or if you are like me, bottle it up for years and cause nightmares only a few months shy of your 30th birthday. It can make one feel inferior when dealing with any sort of confronting situation. It can make one's head say that avoiding humans entirely is the best option. It can rob the person of healthy sleeping and eating and eventually, cause that person to not even consider working or studying as their head is so muddled up. 

I am not writing this to come across like a sob story. However I am writing this as an encouragement to everyone, adults too as it does happen later in life, to stand up to bullying. Be a friend to the one who is being bullied and within reason, stand up to the bully. It is not easy, but the person being bullied will think you are an absolute legend and will be a true friend in return. Trust me on that one. So please, do not be a bully, but be-friend the bullied and stand up to the bully. No matter how old you are, you are never too young to make a positive difference.

Giving Up Is Not An Option,

Perry